Tag Archive | illness

The Cloud I Hide Behind


This morning began a little different than my usual one. I usually wake up at 5:30 am and lay out my husbands clothes. Then head to the kitchen to make his breakfast. And right about 6:15 sharp, he is kissing me good-bye as he heads out the door. But not without me adding our grand daughters favorite send off, “be safe.”

Not on this particular morning. I had a restless night and couldn’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 2am. My mind was so busy I just couldn’t get comfortable. As I got into bed  and lay down next to my husbands side. I could hear the new sounds as he breathes. Ever since he was released from the hospital he hasn’t  sound the same. As he exhales there’s a loud paa sound. Before he got his c-pap he would snore so loud. I just couldn’t sleep. I remember a few times holding his nose and he would wake up and look at me, like what the heck are you doing? Id say, you were snoring. Then he’d roll over and go back to sleep. There was another time he was so loud I tried placing my pillow around my ears but that didn’t help. It only made me more upset. So I got this idea. What if I roll him on his side? The first time I tried to roll him on his side I rolled him right off the bed. I couldn’t believe what I had done. Oh my gosh, babe are you ok? My husband responds in this very sarcastic  annoyed tone, “yes!.” Umm you were snoring so loud I thought if I just turned you on your side… He interrupts, “turning me on my side is different then throwing me off the bed.” I want those moments back.  Last night I missed the silence of the c- cap. Heck I even missed the snoring but only just a tad.

What does this new sound all mean? Is this the beginning of bad things to come? No I can’t allow my mind to go to dark places like that. It’s to much to bare. I have a hard enough time blocking out the what if’s of my sister’s illness. I need need my trusted clouds. They bring me comfort. Because I can hide behind them and never see the truth that may a wait me. Sadly, last night no matter how hard I tried to go to happier times and moments. The storms kept rolling in like lighting bolts. Nothing seemed clear to me.

There is this song I’ve sung to my own children and to my grand children. When they come to me asking so many questions about the future or their own. It goes like this:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

So I guess it’s my turn to say to my self, Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be…

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