Archive | November 2010

Aloneness has many faces doesn’t it? But it seems to have come at a cost…


Where I go in my dreams ūüôā

When will I learn to get a good nights sleep? I said, self no staying up late working online and then writing on your blog. Well that didn’t happen. I ended up staying up until 2am. And now I’m paying for it big time. The question is, was it necessary to stay up that late? Did I really accomplish anything? No on both. I kept asking my self last night. Why do you have such a hard time going to bed at a decent hour? Maybe it’s because that’s when everything around me is at it’s calmest. There are no distraction, no one pulling me in hundred different directions. It’s all about me. It’s my personal time. I have to admit I do enjoy my quite times. Around this house it doesn’t happen to often. lol Would I really want it too give up the sounds of laughter, loud chatter, discussions about which is the best way to lose weight, or hey Dad, do you want to send for your DNA swab to see where you came from? Or the tiny voices and giggles of my favorite ones, the grand kids? Absolutely not! I guess I’ll just have to shorten the duration of my aloneness. Not make it an almost all niter. Enough of this dragging the next day, and wishing for straight black coffee to keep me awake enough to function. Where’s the toothpicks when you need them? I need to see with my eyes and even they are turning against me.

OK, then maybe I’ll try some sleeping pills tonight. Hopefully I will dream I’m resting alone on the beach, hearing the waves break in the distance. And no one else is there but me. Calgon take me away….

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The Cloud I Hide Behind


This morning began a little different than my usual one. I usually wake up at 5:30 am and lay out my husbands clothes. Then head to the kitchen to make his breakfast. And right about 6:15 sharp, he is kissing me good-bye as he heads out the door. But not without me adding our grand daughters favorite send off, “be safe.”

Not on this particular morning. I had a restless night and couldn’t sleep. I think I finally fell asleep around 2am. My mind was so busy I just couldn’t get comfortable. As I got into bed ¬†and lay down next to my husbands side. I could hear the new sounds as he breathes. Ever since he was released from the hospital he hasn’t ¬†sound the same. As he exhales there’s a loud paa sound. Before he got his c-pap he would snore so loud. I just couldn’t sleep. I remember a few times holding his nose and he would wake up and look at me, like what the heck are you doing? Id say, you were snoring. Then he’d roll over and go back to sleep. There was another time he was so loud I tried placing my pillow around my ears but that didn’t help. It only made me more upset. So I got this idea. What if I roll him on his side? The first time I tried to roll him on his side I rolled him right off the bed. I couldn’t¬†believe¬†what I had done. Oh my gosh, babe are you ok? My husband responds in this very sarcastic ¬†annoyed tone, “yes!.” Umm you were snoring so loud I thought if I just turned you on your side… He interrupts, “turning me on my side is different then throwing me off the bed.” I want those moments back. ¬†Last night I missed the silence of the c- cap. Heck I even missed the snoring but only just a tad.

What does this new sound all¬†mean? Is this the beginning of bad things to come? No I can’t allow my mind to go to dark places like that. It’s to much to bare. I have a hard enough time blocking out the what if’s of my sister’s illness. I need need my trusted clouds. They bring me comfort.¬†Because¬†I can hide behind them and never see the truth that may a wait me. Sadly, last night no matter how hard I tried to go to happier times and moments. The storms kept rolling in like lighting bolts. Nothing seemed clear to me.

There is this song I’ve sung to my own children and to my grand children. When they come to me asking so many questions about the future or their own. It goes like this:

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here’s what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future’s not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

So I guess it’s my turn to say to my self, Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be…

Tomorrow is Going to be a Wonderful Day


Today was a very productive day.My husband and I went over to our daughters home to help clear out what use to be a storage room. But now had become an extra bedroom. See my grand daughter is driving here all the way from Florida. Hoping to better her young life by finding a better paying job. Florida can be a beautiful place to visit. But finding a good paying job is hard to find. I can’t wait to see her. I’ve missed her so much. I feel like running over to my daughters home right this very minute. Because it’s around the time she’s suppose to arrive. But it’s getting late, and I need to wake up at 4:30 am and take my sissy to the Mayo Hospital for surgery.

Tomorrow is going to be a wonderful day! I finally get to hold my Brittany in my arms again. ~ ‚̧ ~ ‚̧ ~